Limit Setting in Play Therapy: How to Use the ACT Model Without Losing the Relationship

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Let me tell you about a moment I have seen play out a hundred times.

Session is wrapping up. A kid spots a little toy car, loves it, and you catch them slipping it into their pocket as they head for the door. Or they've been cradling a baby doll the whole session and they are not putting it down for anything.

What do you do?

For a lot of newer therapists, this moment produces a kind of frozen panic. On one hand, you know the toy stays in the room. On the other, you don't want to upset this child who just spent 45 minutes finally trusting you. It feels like you have to choose between the limit and the relationship.

The ACT model exists precisely because that is a false choice. You don't have to choose. Done well, limit setting does not damage the relationship … it builds it.

First, Let's Talk About Why Limits Matter in the First Place

This is the thing I come back to constantly in supervision: child-centered does not mean boundary-free.

I think the confusion happens because we talk so much about following the child's lead, honoring their autonomy, and creating a space where they feel free. And all of that is true! But freedom without structure doesn't feel safe to kids. It actually feels chaotic. Children are wired to test limits partly because they need to know there are some.

When we hold a limit calmly and consistently, we are communicating something really important: “I will keep you safe. I will keep this space safe. I will be the same person every single time you walk through that door.” That predictability is not restrictive. It’s regulating.

Structure and nurture are not opposites. They work together. In fact, some of the most important relational repair that happens in play therapy happens right inside a limit-setting moment.

The ACT Model: What It Is and How It Works

The ACT model comes from Dr. Garry Landreth's work in child-centered play therapy, and I love it because it is simple enough to actually use in the heat of a moment when a kid is already escalating and your brain is moving fast.

Three steps. That's it.

A - Acknowledge the Feeling, Wish, or Want

Before you say anything about the limit, you name what you see.

"You really love that toy car." "You wish you could take that baby doll home with you." "You're having so much fun and you don't want to stop."

This step sounds small but it does a lot of work. It tells the child that you see them, that their feeling makes sense, and that you are not coming at them from a place of judgment or frustration. You are just a person who noticed something real about what they're experiencing. Kids want to be understood and to know that you really get it.

It also slows the moment down. Limit setting goes sideways fastest when both the therapist and the child are reacting. The acknowledgment is your pause button.

C - Communicate the Limit

This is where you say the actual limit. Clear, calm, and without apology.

"The toys in here are not for taking home." "The sand is for staying in the sandtray." "The toys are not for throwing."

Notice that none of those statements include "I'm sorry but..." or "I know you really want to but..." or "I hate to say this..." The limit is the limit. You don't need to dress it up or apologize for it. Doing so actually makes children less secure, not more, because it communicates that even you are not sure the limit should be there.

Short, direct, and warm. That's the goal. You can be firm and kind at the same time. Those things are not in conflict.

T - Target Two Alternatives

This is where the model really earns its keep. Instead of just shutting down the behavior, you redirect the underlying feeling or wish toward something that is safe and doable.

"You can hold the baby doll until it's time to go and then find her a safe spot to wait for you, or you can say goodbye to her before we leave the room." "You can hand the car to me, or you can put it back on the shelf yourself."

Two options. Not one, not five. Two.

One option is not a choice, it's compliance. More than two and you've overwhelmed a nervous system that is already activated. Two gives the child agency within a structure, which is exactly what we're going for.

And here's the part I always make sure to tell my supervisees and parents: if the child comes up with their own third option that is still safe and appropriate, that is completely fine. Let them. The goal was never to get them to pick option A or B. The goal was to redirect the wish in a safe direction, and if they found their own path there, that's actually a really good sign.

We are not chasing compliance. We are preserving the relationship while keeping the space safe.

The Part Nobody Talks About: When the Limit Has to Be Repeated

Sometimes a child hears the limit and moves right through it anyway. This is normal, especially early in treatment or with kids who have experienced environments where limits were inconsistent or unpredictable.

When that happens, you just do it again. Same words. Same tone. Same warmth.

"You really want to keep playing with that, but the toys still aren't for taking home. You can put it on the shelf or hand it to me."

The consistency is the point. Every time you show up the same way (firm, warm, not rattled, not angry) you are teaching that child something about what safe adults look like. That you can hold a limit and still be on their side. That you are not going to flip, escalate, or withdraw your warmth just because they pushed.

That is genuinely hard, by the way. Especially when the child is dysregulated and you've said the same thing four times and the session should have ended seven minutes ago. I'm not going to pretend otherwise. It takes practice. It takes regulating yourself first so you can stay calm enough to offer that consistency. But it gets easier.

An Honest Note About the Harder Limits

Something I've thought about a lot over the years is that limit setting is easier when the reason for the limit is obvious. Physical safety is usually pretty clear. The bookshelf is not for climbing. The toys are not for throwing at the window. Those I can set without much internal noise.

But limits that protect the relationship? Those can be murkier.

I'll give you an example. I once helped a therapist work through setting limits around glitter in her therapy room. Not because glitter is harmful, obviously. But because glitter made her genuinely anxious … the cleanup, the way it gets everywhere, the way she spent the next hour finding it on herself, on the floor, in her bag (IYKYK!). And if you’re anxious, your client feels that. Your nervous system affects the room. So you set the limit to protect the relationship, not because of any rule about glitter.

That's actually the heart of what Landreth means when he talks about limits. They're not arbitrary rules. They exist to protect three things: safety of the child and therapist, the relationship, and the consistency of the room. If a limit is protecting at least one of those things, it belongs.

You do not have to justify every limit to the child. You do have to understand why it's there yourself. Know the rules, understand why they exist, and then you'll know when and how to hold them.

A Quick Example from Start to Finish

Back to our kid with the toy car in their pocket.

Here's what ACT looks like in real time:

•       A: "You really love that car. You wish you could take it home with you."

•       C: "The toys in here are not for taking home."

•       T: "You can hand it to me, or you can put it back on the shelf so it's waiting for you next time."

That's it. The whole thing takes about fifteen seconds. And if they try to put it in their pocket again, you do it again. Same tone, same warmth, same clarity.

You don't need to get it perfect every single time. The goal isn't the perfect script. It's protecting the relationship. As long as that stays your north star, you'll find your way through it.

Resources for Going Deeper

If you want to really dig into the theoretical foundation here, Garry Landreth's Play Therapy: The Art of the Relationship is the place to start. It's the foundational text for CCPT and the ACT model is laid out there in full.

You might also enjoy:

•       How Play Therapy Helps Children with Anxiety

•       The Best Puppets for Play Therapy (and How to Use Them)

•       Water Balloons in Play Therapy: What Happened When I Tried This Last Week

•       5 Ways to Use Wax Craft Sticks in Play Therapy Sessions

I'd love to hear how limit setting goes in your room. What situations are trickiest for you? Drop it in the comments.